Crusher accused AGAIN
Part V
Slam Dunk. To defeat easily. To win convincingly.
Miffed. Annoyed. Considered to be a classic British understatement. Example. I went to the store and was told that they had sold out of tea, I was exceedingly miffed.
As before, any resemblance to anything in this story or any person, living or dead, is coincidental.
If there was one thing in life that Crusher enjoyed, it was a gentle stroll with PC Sharon, his handler. A stress-free time when he could chill, away from the demands of being the number one dog that was called upon when delinquent scumbags needed dealing with. Crusher’s reputation always preceded him. He had two rules. Don’t break the law, and stop when told. The sun was shining, and Crusher didn’t have a care in the world; it was a great day…..
Well, it was until they met Big Willy. Regular readers will be aware that Big Willy is a member of the criminal fraternity, and their paths had crossed before. The last time they met, Crusher had taken a bit of an advantage, and PC Sharon had been less than sympathetic, making Big Willy plead to be released from Crusher’s attention.
Crusher recognised him immediately.
“What was he up to? Rule number 3, never give despicable nerks the benefit of the doubt.”
Crusher glared at him and very slowly lifted a lip just enough to show a nice row of pearly white teeth. “A reminder.” thought Crusher of the last time we met.
As they returned to the police station, they were called into the office of the Chief Superintendent, the highest-ranking officer on duty.
“We’ve had a complaint, Sharon, from Mr Bigger. He has complained that he is being intimidated by Crusher.
Crusher was furious
“Intimidated!! He doesn’t know what intimidation is. When I give him a dose of intimidation, he’ll know it. Outrageous!! Was this idiot born stupid, or was he given special lessons?”
“Well, I don’t know what to do here, sir. Crusher has a long memory, and if he sees Big Willy, he is bound to give him a hard look.”
“Sharon, we are here to serve the public, and Mr Bigger at the moment is just that, an innocent member of the public.”
“Innocent!!” By now, Crusher was becoming apoplectic with rage. “His arrest record is so long that reading the entire works of Shakespeare would be quicker. What’s more, his record is only for the crimes he’s been nicked for.”
“Let’s be honest, Sharon Crusher is mean, bad-tempered and arrogant. He is the sort that gives the dog section a bad name.”
Before Crusher could explode, Sharon smiled sweetly at the Chief Superintendent and quietly said.
“Yes, sir, everybody’s nemesis until the need arises for a fearless canine prepared to go where others fear to tread.”
The Chief Superintendent gave a rueful smile of his own.
“Sharon, could you just train Crusher to look more benign generally and stop looking so fierce when he is around people? And while we are at it he must stop baring his teeth in public it upsets the civilians.”
“Looks like Big Willy is pressing ahead with his complaint. Crusher will have to be suspended from duty.”
Crusher had been there before. The Crown Court was an intimidating place, so PC Sharon took Crusher to the prisoners’ dock. Crusher’s defence counsel, the redoubtable Gemima Palmerston—Snodgrass, had no concerns and conveyed her confidence to Sharon.
“Nothing to worry about. I’ve got it all in hand. With my witness list, it’s a slam dunk.”
Crusher was decidedly concerned. “This could be the end of my career. Pensioned off no less.”
“No more PC Sharon, and worst of all, no more Molly, the drugs detection dog.”
All rise.
Mr Justice Peregrine Beaumont-Benedict wobbled towards his seat.
“Crusher you are charged that on the 5th August you did with malice aforethought attempt to intimidate one William Bigger otherwise known as Big Willy, how do you plead?”
Gemima Palmerston Snodgrass rose. “My client pleads not guilty, my Lord.”
Call your witness, Mr Percival Pratt. The prosecuting counsel rose.
Big Willy sauntered to the witness box.
“Mr Bigger, can you tell this court the circumstances of the incident that resulted in this charge?”
“Well, sir, I was going for a walk, minding my own business, when I was approached by that psychopathic dog.”
Defence counsel instantly rose to her feet. “Objection: the witness is not an expert on psychiatry.”
“The jury will ignore the comments regarding the sanity of the defendant.” Stated the Judge
“Damned right.” Thought Crusher. “I’m probably the only sane one here.”
“Continue, Mr Bigger.”
“Well, my lord, that thing has attacked me in the past and for no reason.”
“THING!! How dare you refer to me as a thing.” fumed Crusher.
“Every time I am near this animal, it bares its teeth and attempts to frighten me. It’s terrifying. I am on tablets.”
Mr Percival Pratt nodded sympathetically and sat down
Defence counsel declined cross-examination and proceeded to open the case for the defence
“I call Montgomery the third of Westmoreland.”
Montgomery, the third of Westmoreland, was taken to the witness box.
Being a pug and being somewhat vertically challenged, Montgomery the third of Westmoreland was allowed to be seated but placed his paws on the front of the eyewitness box.
He faced learned counsel who uttered one word.
“Smile.”
Montgomery, the third of Westmoreland, duly showed a beautiful row of pearly white teeth.
“No further questions”
“I protest, my Lord, this animal has obviously been specially trained.” Protested prosecuting counsel.
Montgomery, the third of Westmoreland, was decidedly not happy.
“SPECIALLY TRAINED, An outrage!”
Montgomery, the third of Westmoreland, fixed counsel with a hard stare.
“This is my natural look.”
Montgomery left the witness box decidedly miffed.
“I call George.” Intoned Gemima Palmerston – Snodgrass
“George?” Queried the judge
“Yes, my Lord, George is a mongrel, so he only has one name, and he is a little conscious of his status, but his testimony will be beyond reproach.”
George placed his paws on the front of the witness box.
“Smile.” Instructed defence counsel.
George obliged with a truly magnificent show of perfect white teeth.
“I call Kaiser…..”
“Miss Palmerston – Snodgrass: How many such witnesses do you tend to bring before this court?”
“37, my lord.”
“37!! Madam, does the phrase “flogging a dead horse” spring to mind? I suggest that you have, without doubt, made your point.”
“As your lordship pleases, I’m obliged.”
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury”, intoned the judge. “Unless you are 100% convinced that the defendant is guilty you must acquit him, he might look a thoroughly unpleasant character but this in itself is not a crime.”
Crusher was again apoplectic with rage.
“A thoroughly unpleasant character.” How dare he! Who does he think he is?
It took the jury ten minutes to consider their verdict.
“Not guilty”
The judge addressed Crusher.
“You have been found not guilty and are free to leave this court without a stain on your character.
As Crusher left the witness box, he passed the judge’s bench, and as he passed, he thought that he would deliver his own judgment on the judge.
As they exited the room, the judge could be observed looking quite distressed and covering his face with a handkerchief.
“Crusher you delinquent, you did that deliberately. When we passed the judge, YOU FARTED.”
“The difference between friends and pets is that friends we allow into our company, but pets we allow into our solitude.”
Anon