A Bizarre Conversation

Amelia Atkins arrived with her two toy poodles, one was white, and the other was black. Their names were Jack and Jill, and they were fairly well-behaved. There was only one problem. They were somewhat unreliable when it came to returning when they were called. I started the session getting all the relevant details on paper, the usual things, their ages, how long she had owned them, whether they were neutered, what food they were fed, and all the usual questions to establish if there were maybe outside influences that could be contributing to the problem. Having established that all was well with the two poodles I suggested that we move to my training ground where I could see for myself how bad the problem was and decide the appropriate course of action. I stood up to indicate that we should move, but Amelia stayed seated and asked.

“Do you think that sex twice a day is a reasonable request?”

A very nice man

I sat down, it could be argued that I fell down. Had I just heard correctly? Was I dreaming? What possible connection was there to Jack and Jill not coming back? I am rarely taken aback and I am definitely not easily shocked. Having started my career as a veterinary nurse surrounded by female colleagues, I was exposed to the most intimate conversations between my fellow nurses who appeared to completely ignore the fact that I was of the male persuasion. Having left home at 17 years of age and being rather unworldly, I must admit that entering a world where these conversations took place was an eye-opener for me.

“I beg your pardon.”

“Do you think that sex twice a day is reasonable, after all your a man.”

“Miss Atkins, I am a dog trainer, and you are here to get your dogs trained. You are asking the wrong person.”

Amelia showed no embarrassment and replied.

“But I have nobody to ask, and you strike me as a very nice man.”

“A VERY NICE MAN,”  the alarm bells are now ringing very loud.

“May I suggest that you make an appointment to see your doctor? He is much better qualified to answer that sort of question than me.”

“Oh, I couldn’t ask him. He is a thoroughly  horrid man.”

“So why do you go to him?”

“He is the family doctor.”

“Miss Atkins, I really do think we should go out and start on teaching Jack and Jill how to come back.”

Amelia Atkins showed no signs of moving.

I was now becoming rather concerned. One hears about this sort of thing happening but never to me, surely. I was tempted to just say yes twice a day was quite normal. Would that be enough to satisfy the lady’s curiosity? The problem was that of course, once you enter into this sort of conversation, where does it lead?

“John, my friend, says it’s normal, and I should agree, but my best friend Sybil says it’s excessive, and I should indicate disapproval.”

It was time to get the lesson back on track. “Madam!” I said, “I am a dog trainer, not a marriage guidance counsellor. This conversation has to stop, and we must start to address the problem of Jack and Jill not coming when called.”

Training

That appeared to do the trick and Amelia rose, albeit reluctantly, and followed me to the training enclosure where it was safe to let the pair of them off. It soon became apparent that the dominant dog was Jill, and where Jill went, Jack followed. This made life easier as it was necessary only to train Jill and it avoided the difficulty of training two dogs simultaneously. I imparted the necessary instructions as to how to train Jill ensuring that Amelia was made very aware that it was imperative that in order to get a good and speedy response, it was imperative that Jill must not be allowed to disobey and she must be kept in a long line or an extendable lead.

The lesson came to its conclusion, and normally I would suggest a follow-up appointment, but in this case, I offered Amelia the opportunity to telephone me and report progress,  Hoping of course, that I would never see her again.

Some hopes!!

Ten days later, Amelia Atkins was on the phone asking for her next appointment.

Now human behaviour is not my strong point except when it affects animals.  Humans are illogical, inconsistent, plagued by political and religious dogma, unreasonable and generally irrational. There are occasions, however, when a problem is foreseeable and the best course of action is to follow the boy scouts’ motto “Be Prepared.”

Being prepared!

At the next appointment, you won’t be remotely surprised that the opening gambit went along the lines of….. “Have you given any thought to whether sex twice a day is a reasonable request?”

This time I was ready. Wearing my most disarming smile, I replied.

“As I explained last time I am merely a humble dog trainer. You, however, are obviously a very discerning client who believes in employing only the very best, highly experienced professionals to deal with your problems. I am therefore pleased to be able to bring your quest to a satisfactory conclusion. I have inquired on your behalf and the appropriate individual has posted me their business card and has indicated that if you make an appointment they will be only too pleased to answer that question and any other associated questions for which you need an answer.”

I handed Amelia the card. The name was clear *****  ********* Underneath was the service offered.

Sex Therapist!!