The man from London
Details have been changed to protect anonymity.
Hello folks, sorry for the rather long introduction but it is necessary to fully understand today’s story.
Regular readers will be aware that living in Cornwall I had to adapt occasionally when dealing with a genuine Cornishman as they appear to have an aversion to using the letter H, so for instance I was regularly addressed as Mr ‘Odson.
In London a true cockney is someone born within the sound of the bells rung at the Church of St Mary Le Bow. These are commonly known as Bow Bells. It is believed that street traders invented their own language known as rhyming slang so the customers couldn’t understand what they were saying. There is also a theory that it may have been developed by the criminal element to confuse the police. The truth is probably somewhere between the two.
Now dealing with a true cockney can be quite difficult as they have the habit of including some of this rhyming slang into everyday conversations.
Even those of us who are not even Londoners unknowingly use it on occasions for instance when referring to money as bread.
This originates from the slang term Bread and Honey = Money.
Other examples
WHISTLE is a man’s suit. Whistle and Flute = Suit.
DOG is a Bone, Dog and Bone = Phone.
MINCES are Eyes, Mince Pies = Eyes
Confused, well that was the original idea!
For today’s story you will need to know the following
CHINA plate = mate
GREGORY Peck = neck
ROSIE Lee = tea
TROUBLE and Strife = wife
GEEZER (not rhyming) = man
Fortunately, I had spent time with a genuine Cockney in my youth, so when the call came, I was not totally ignorant of the language when I was approached by George Bishop. His accent was a dead giveaway, and even having moved to Cornwall, he was in the habit of dropping the occasional piece of cockney rhyming slang into his conversation, thus sometimes making it difficult to follow.
The house was large, detached and surrounded by a high fence. There was no doorbell or knocker on the very ornate front door but a two-way communication system. CCT cameras were in place, but I was used to all the security, particularly as those who had accumulated a degree of wealth sought to protect their possessions.
George Bishop was a big man, around 6 feet 4 inches tall, in his early 50’s, who obviously took great pride in his appearance. His trousers had knife-edge creases, and his silk shirt would have probably cost my income for a week.
He greeted me, “Nice to meet you, me old china.”
He was a gracious and solicitous host who asked what type of beverage would be acceptable. Coffee, Colombian or Kenyan? A cup of tea, Indian, Chinese or herbal? A soft drink or maybe a touch of alcohol for medicinal purposes to keep out the cold. Bearing in mind that it was 10 am on rather a warm day in August, I was not convinced that it was necessary, although I noticed that his drinks cabinet contained a bottle of single malt Glenlivet whisky, so declining was a personal sacrifice. I suggested a cup of tea would be welcome. George directed me to the lounge, invited me to take a seat and disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. He returned with a pint mug.
“One cup of rosie, get that down your gregory.”
I was introduced to his wife, Doreen, a tall, willowy blonde lady, a talented artist who painted landscapes and someone who created stained glass windows.
Meeting Capone
Finally, I met the object of my visit, a dog called Capone. A slightly unusual name, the significance of which would not become apparent for many years.
“This is my Alsatian Capone, and I want you to teach ‘im to protect the old trouble and strife. Can you do that?”
“Well, the German Shepherd is a natural protector, so first of all, we just need to assess his behaviour and general discipline, deal with any issues, and we can make a start,” I replied
George gave me a hard look and appeared to be a little annoyed.
“Correction, old son, Capone is an Alsation, not a bleedin’ German dog.”
“George, please allow me to explain. An Alsatian and a German Shepherd are the same breed. The term Alsatian was used after the war because the word German was unacceptable after the conflict.
My client was silent for a few moments, then called for his wife.
“Doreen, ‘e says Capone is a German Shepherd, and it’s the same as an Alsation.”
Doreen smiled and, in an educated voice, replied, “Well, George, it’s certainly easy enough to check, and I am sure the gentleman knows what he is talking about.”
“Sir, if you have any doubt, then a swift phone call to a German Shepherd breeder will confirm what I have told you. I can even supply a number now, or you can check Yellow Pages for dog breeders, shepherds in particular.”
George gave an almost imperceptible nod to his wife, and she departed the room.
Some explaining to do
I continued to explain the procedure for training personal protection, but it became apparent that I didn’t have my client’s full attention.
Doreen returned, had me a dazzling smile, turned toward her husband, and said quietly,
“They are the same, George.”
There were a few seconds of silence as George digested the news. He came out of his reverie suddenly, stroked Capone and muttered.
“A certain geezer has some explaining to do.”
Protection
To cut a very long story short, we discussed and agreed on my criteria for teaching personal protection, which included informing the company that provided the client’s house insurance and third-party liability that a trained dog was on the premises. This was as much for my protection as for the client, as a highly trained protection dog is capable of doing a lot of damage, and if there are any legal ramifications, then the client’s insurance company can be responsible for dealing with litigation, not mine.
I also delivered the standard warning that play fighting might be misunderstood by Capone, and if he thought that his mistress was being threatened, he might act accordingly.
Training went smoothly, and Capone, typical of his breed, adapted to his role as the protector of Doreen with no difficulty.
I discovered early in my career that for a person to be able to control a trained protection dog, it was beneficial for them to be involved in the training, so I was a regular visitor to their house in Falmouth. During those visits, we had many conversations, but despite his welcoming nature and exuding bonhomie, any questions regarding his working life almost always were met with the reply, “Bit of this bit of that, import, export, you know, that sort of thing.”
The final lesson complete, and having received my fee, I departed, content with a job well done.
George had been an agreeable client, courteous in the extreme, but I remember that look when I insisted that a German Shepherd Dog and an Alsatian were the same breed. Also, his reference to “A certain geezer has some explaining to do.” This was a man who could get very annoyed very quickly.
Years later
Many years later, just before my retirement, I was chatting to a friend who had contacts within the journalist world, and he told me that he had been informed that a number of villains from the capital had purchased property in Cornwall as either retirement or holiday homes. These individuals were being monitored by the local police, and so far, these newcomers had not even had so much as a parking ticket between them; best behaviour was the order of the day. He even knew the names of some of them.
And on that list was…..
Who says your soulmate has to be human, mine has fur and a wet nose.
Anon