The mysterious case of the missing sandwich

The following statement was issued by the Wyandotte Police Department. (WPD) Michigan, USA, January 2023

“Stealing is not only a crime but it is morally wrong too. Some jobs like that of a police officer require you to take an oath prior to starting. Within the officers sworn path is to protect person’s property. That being said, it saddens me to report that a current officer of the Wyandotte Police Department is under investigation for stealing.”

The local population was naturally shocked and demanded to know the facts of the case. As is so common these days, people took sides, and the police department was forced to use social media to issue updates regarding the matter.

The investigation

It was reported that the accused was not cooperating with the investigation and had invoked his right to silence by pleading the fifth amendment.

Officers conducting the investigation could not discover any CCTV, much to their disappointment, and there were no witnesses to the criminal enterprise. To complicate matters, there was no physical evidence; in fact, the perpetrator had not left as much as a crumb. The scene was spotlessly clean, leading police to believe that the culprit was conversant with police procedure; therefore, the theft charge relied totally on circumstantial evidence.

A disturbing aspect of the case was that the suspect in this complex case had been suspected of similar offences in the past. However, none of these incidents had been officially reported, probably out of loyalty toward a fellow officer, so no action was taken. As there were no previous official reported incidents, the investigating officers were unable to prove that they were investigating a serial offender, and again, without physical evidence and without witnesses, it was all considered hearsay.

The facts of the case were as follows. The victim of this dastardly crime was a fellow police officer. Officer Barwig was taking a lunch break and had only taken one bite, yes, only one bite of his sandwich, when he was called away to assist another officer dealing with a disruptive prisoner.

Upon returning, he discovered the total absence of said sandwich. Now, let’s be honest here, folks. Surely, the one place where a sandwich should be safe is a police station, particularly a partially eaten sandwich. It would cause Officer Barwig a degree of financial hardship as the sandwich needed to be replaced. Otherwise, the officer, starved of calories, would not be able to carry out his duties to maximum effect.

The suspect

So, who was the suspect? Well, the suspect was identified as Officer Ice, an 11-year veteran of the WPD with an unblemished record.

The one piece of evidence of his involvement in this despicable crime was that he was observed leaving the area and licking his lips. Whilst this aroused suspicion, it did not constitute proof beyond all reasonable doubt. His mug shot was released but failed to bring any clarity to the case other than for some to say that he looked rather villainous and others that he couldn’t possibly be guilty with those eyes. The majority of local residents expressed their dissatisfaction with the events, and some called for the investigation to be terminated. Offers of pro bono legal representation by attorneys were made, demonstrations were being planned, and further representations were submitted demanding that all charges be dropped.  Conversations regarding hiring an attorney of Perry Mason’s standard were discussed.

Incidentally, with a very similar name to Ice T, the actor who played detective Odafin Tutuola in the TV series Law and Order Special Victims Unit, I attempted to ascertain any connection. None was found.

If the teeth don’t fit…

With the sandwich completely disappearing, the officers were unable to employ the services of a forensic dentist, who, of course, would have been able to match any bite marks on the sandwich to the suspect’s teeth. This coincided with the opinion of defence experts: ”If the teeth don’t fit, you must acquit.”

There was probably some relief here as opening a police dog’s mouth and instructing him to bite would be fraught with danger.

With the pressure mounting the Wyandotte Police Department decided to discontinue the investigation and the case of the missing sandwich remains open and has been filed just in case more evidence comes to light. With officer Ice approaching retirement his colleagues were mindful of what had occurred and were more careful regarding leaving sandwiches unattended, particularly those only partly consumed.

The WPD obviously doesn’t let sleeping or even eating dogs lie. I guess we can say it was a ‘ruff’ time with no ‘leads’. Let’s hope that Officer Ice is not ‘dogged’ by the media. If he is, several attorneys are offering ‘pro bone-o’ assistance. The whole affair, however, appears to have concluded with a ‘positive’ outcome.

I can’t believe I just wrote that!!