Bert’s legs
Details have been changed to protect anonymity
It started with a phone call, the caller was clearly an elderly gentleman and the conversation started predictably.
“Is that the dog man? “
This was a fairly common refrain from a new client inquiring to see if I could be of assistance.
“I’m Bert Channing and my dog Sam is biting me legs.”
I asked the obvious questions.
“When is Sam biting your legs?”
“When I am going to the pub”
“How long has this been going on?”
“Suddenly started about three weeks ago.”
A brief and ridiculous vision passed before my eyes of a canine with the zeal of a Methodist minister preaching from the pulpit about the demon drink. Had this dog been enrolled in the Temperance Society?
Without a doubt, this called for a visit.
Mr Channing was a fellow in his 70s, a widower who lived alone, his only companion being Sam a very friendly 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier.
The conversation revealed the true extent of the problem.
It appeared that Bert visited a local pub for a nightly game of dominos and this necessitated crossing the main road that went past his house. It was an extremely busy road and the only safe place to cross was the zebra crossing just a few yards from Bert’s house.
Sam was a delightfully happy chap, generally well behaved and as Bert put it…
“He is the reason that I get out of bed in the morning.”
An exhaustive question and answer session gave no clue to Sam’s strange behaviour
Well, I thought the only thing was to see what was happening so I suggested that we try going to the pub so that I could witness this strange phenomenon.
Bert was keen but informed me that some preparation was required. I watched in amazement as Bert started to roll up his trouser legs, and I wondered if I was witnessing first hand the secret of the beginning of a mason’s strange ritual after all one does hear of funny handshakes, aprons and rolled-up trousers. Many years ago I was informed by a man who I knew to be a mason that much of the stories in the media are misinformed nonsense but unfortunately, he didn’t deny anything!! Well, he wouldn’t would he?
Bert then produced several pieces of cardboard which he then wrapped around his ankles and calves in layers and held them tight with lengths of sellotape. That day’s offering was cut from what has been a box that contained Kellogg’s cornflakes.
I also noticed that the bottom of Bert’s trouser legs had a number of small holes, presumably the result of close contact with Sam’s teeth!!
Up until now, I had taken the whole thing as a bit of a joke, however, maybe this was a lot more serious than I had first thought.
So Bert showed me his nightly ritual. Out through the gate, turn right walk approximately 25 yards on the pavement to the crossing point and when the cars had stopped, cross the road.
What happened next was one of the most hysterical things that I have ever seen, as Bert stepped off the pavement Sam immediately grabbed his trouser leg. Watching them crossing the road was a sight to behold. Drivers in their cars were in hysterics, pedestrians were rolled up with laughter and all the time Bert is hopping along trying to cross the road with Sam attached to his leg. I could have sold tickets!
Keeping as straight a face as I could manage I caught up with them on the other side only for Bert to ask in all innocence.
“Do you need to see it again?”
I covered my lack of professionalism by a bout of simulated coughing and having escorted Bert back home assured him that I would be in touch.
Bizzare or what? There were no lights or sounds, just a simple crossing. It appeared that crossing the road was not a problem if Bert chose a different point but not being too steady on his legs and as he put it.
“At my age, I’m not too speedy these days.”
I admit to being baffled. Why Sam should suddenly take to biting Bert’s legs was beyond me but as I have said before if the cause is not apparent then a humane solution has to be found.
Having given the matter some thought I arrived at what I hoped would be a solution so I gave Bert a ring and arranged to visit. The ritual wrapping of the legs was done and on this occasion, the cardboard was salvaged from a carton of a well-known manufacturer of toilet rolls.
So off we went to replicate the walk only on this occasion before departure I used a repellent spray on Bert’s trousers.
A fraught moment
This is always a fraught moment as one never knows if the proposed solution will work.
As Bert stepped off the pavement Sam automatically clamped his teeth on the trouser leg but immediately let go and shook his head violently, he tried a second time and again instantly released. As they crossed the road Sam glared malevolently at the offending trouser leg.
The problem was solved, a quick application of repellent each day for a week and Sam was cured, however, from that moment forward when on the crossing Sam always pulled on the lead, unusual as he generally walked well but he always wanted to get the crossing over as quickly as possible.
To this day I have no definitive explanation as to what caused Sam to behave so irrationally, however, not all problems have an obvious cause and sometimes the answer is just to find a solution, however…..
Many years later I heard that there had been a subsidence issue regarding redundant mine workings in the area. A common problem in certain areas in Cornwall which is why mining surveys are mandatory in some parts of the County when buying property.
Was Bert’s dog trying to tell him that he was concerned about their safety?
Maybe Sam’s behaviour wasn’t so strange after all!!!
“Don’t accept your dogs admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
Ann Landers