Mrs Mortimer
Details have been changed to protect anonymity
Dick Turpin – A notorious English highwayman, horse thief and burglar. Executed on 7 April 1739
Mrs Thatcher – Prime Minister, United Kingdom. 1979 -1990
Olive Oyl – A cartoon character, the love interest of Popeye.
Recently, I wrote about a rather special lady, The Indomitable Mrs Huntington Smythe. Whilst writing it I was reminded of another one.
There is in Cornwall a very particular kind of lady. Anybody who has lived in this unique part of the UK will know what I am talking about.
As the years pass and more marriages occur between the Cornish and those from outside the county bloodlines are diluted and these ladies become more and more scarce.
Celtic blood courses through their veins. They are short, stout and tough, very tough. Their great grandmothers dropped pasties down the mines to their menfolk. When fishing was the lifeblood of Cornwall these women gutted pilchards by the thousand daily. They are immensely loyal, totally committed to their cause, not to crossed and as any true Cornishman will tell you they would walk through the gates of hell with their partner.
If annoyed they have a look in their eye that will send shivers down the spine of any mortal male.
They are what my friends in the constabulary refer to, in another context, as a blunt instrument.
Among this intimidating sisterhood was Mrs Mortimer.
This lady’s reputation proceeded her. She was the elected chairperson for several charities and was renowned for her confrontational approach. She was noted for holding local politicians and civil servants to account for their actions. A prominent anti-war campaigner and an advocate for animal rights.
Her dog was a Golden Retriever who went by the rather impressive name of Archibald, Archie for short. Now it came something of a surprise to me that she brought Archie to me to train. What dog would have the temerity to disobey this Celtic crusader compared to whom Mrs Thatcher would seem like Olive Oyl on valium?
The list of Archie’s misdemeanours was extensive. In fact, it would have been easier to recount what he could do right, certainly, the list would have been a lot shorter.
The list of Archibald’s failures included:
- Pulling on the lead
- Not coming when called
- Jumping up
- Theft
At 18 months of age, he was not entirely house-trained Destruction of pillows and cushions.
He dug holes randomly all over the garden and decapitated any flower that dared to bloom.
He barked incessantly, annoying every neighbour within a half-mile radius Escapology was his big thing. He could jump any wall, fence or obstacle placed in his way. As it was the back garden had an appearance that resembled Alcatraz. The only things missing were the searchlights and armed guards. Mrs Mortimer informed me that the lights were under serious consideration!!
On top of this was the added problem of what he retrieved during his misadventures he brought home.
In fairness, being a Golden Retriever with a “soft mouth” all the presents that he brought home never had a mark on them. The offerings included.
- A frozen chicken
- A book of poems
- Assorted clothing, mainly underwear
- A kitten (alive)
- A frog (dead)
- A child’s school cap
This was larceny on an industrial scale!!
There were many more but by now I was losing the will to live. The list was so long that writer’s cramp was setting in. I glanced at Mrs Mortimer who had lowered her eyes to gaze lovingly at her errant hound and I realised that this formidable female had a blind spot. Archie!!
Her recalcitrant companion was allowed to get away with his criminality because this fearsome lady couldn’t bring herself to chastise her beloved dog.
This was going to be a challenge. If I suggested a disciplinary approach then I would incur the wrath of Mrs Mortimer, something to be avoided at all costs.
I decided that the major part of the problem was boredom. Archie was a highly intelligent dog with nothing to occupy his very alert brain. So in order to keep him on the straight and narrow, I decided that we would keep his mind occupied.
Exercise was not enough. A common mistake is that people believe that the way to cure bad behaviour is to increase exercise working on the principle that the dog will be tired. Unfortunately, it is a double-edged sword. The more exercise you give, the fitter the dog. The obvious result is that the fitter the dog the more exercise you have to give!! It’s a no-win situation. What errant canines need is mental stimulation, particularly working breeds like Golden Retrievers.
So back to the problem at hand
This, I anticipated would be a long job and I would be seeing Mrs Mortimer and Archibald for weeks, even months to come.
Events would prove me wrong. Obviously, clairvoyancy was not a subject in which I excelled!!
Of course, if I was a genuine clairvoyant I would have been able to foretell what was to occur if you follow my drift……
As the saying goes.
“Don’t give up your day job.”
Questioning established that Archie had a weakness.
Sausages, to be precise, and whilst I do not approve of using this particular food as a treat the problems we were facing were collectively so overwhelming that principles had to be sacrificed.
Using small pieces of sausage to hold Archies attention we started with walking on the lead, coming back and jumping up. A daily routine was agreed and activity toys were supplied. Advice on destruction, gardening, barking and theft was offered. A follow-up appointment was made for one week hence and Mrs Mortimer and Archibald departed.
At the appointed hour the following week, the lady and her dog returned. Mrs Mortimer positively gushed. For a moment I thought that I was in danger of being hugged and kissed such was the lady’s delight. The improvement was nothing short of miraculous. It became quite obvious that my client thought that I was only one step removed from God. I was the great oracle. She hung on every word that I uttered. Obviously, I was delighted at the turn of events but might just have been a little more subdued if I had known what lay ahead.
To cut a long story short Mrs Mortimer and Archibald continued to come for lessons for around a month by which time Archie was so well behaved that my services were no longer required. My fee was paid and the paperwork filed. My client was ecstatic with the progress made, Archie was a happier dog and I was contented with a job well done.
Arriving for work one morning I noticed that the stack of business cards that I kept in reception had disappeared and made a note to have them replaced only to find that they continued disappear almost as fast as I could replace them. The solution became obvious with the arrival of Mrs Beecham.
Her decision for coming to see me was the clue to the disappearing business cards.
“I was in the dunes with Cooper my Cairn Terrier and I called him to come. Normally he comes back instantly but that day he must have found a really good sniff. Well, he was on his way and then this woman appeared and thrust your card in my hand.
“You MUST go and see this man he will have your dog trained in no time. Ring him TODAY.
I tried to explain that Cooper is normally very reliable and generally comes back instantly, but it was no good, she wouldn’t listen.”
It transpired that Mrs Mortimer was roaming the dog walking haunts of Cornwall and pouncing on her helpless victims like some modern-day Dick Turpin. Mrs Beecham was the first in a long line of clients who were dragooned into coming to see me.
Despite my best efforts including telephone calls and emails, this continued for many years. Mrs Mortimer took it upon herself to be my unofficial PR representative. In fairness, many of those who came did have naughty dogs and benefited greatly from the experience.
A conversation with one of those who were press-ganged into coming to see me gave me an idea of how I was perceived by some of my more reluctant clients.
“Oh yes, I was almost surprised to see that you appeared normal. After being hijacked by that woman I was expecting someone who was a cross between Tarzan, Dr Doolittle and Crocodile Dundee!!
“Does not the gratitude of the dog put to shame any man who is ungrateful to his benefactors.”
Saint Basil
Also known as St Basil the Great
330AD – 379AD