The way a lady’s mind works!!

Details have seen changed to protect anonymity.

Grockle, a slightly derogatory term used in Devon and Cornwall when referring to anti-social visitors.

Gerald and Sandra owned a pub but before they took it over it was what was called a hard-drinking pub. The regulars were mainly working men doing hard physical work, labourers, dockers, roadmen etc and it was a common sight that these fellows would happily sink anything up 7 or 8 pints in an evening and some even more. Gerald told me he was at times amazed at the capacity of some men to drink such quantities and he had customers who would order two pints when they arrived and would swallow the first before he could successfully pull the second!

As the landlord of such an establishment, Gerald had no problems as long as his customers were well behaved and refrained from using bad language particularly in the presence of ladies. Anyone who declined to follow the rules was barred and very quickly the regulars found that one of the advantages was that a restaurant was added and as Sandra was an excellent cook, therefore, their consumption of alcohol could be made even more acceptable by the availability of top quality food.

Now Gerald was a fairly big chap but Sandra was no more than 5 feet nothing and probably weighed no more than 8 stone sopping wet with an anvil under each arm!!

No shrinking violet

This didn’t mean that Sandra was a shrinking violet, she most definitely wasn’t. She had a look that could freeze a waterfall and a repertoire of put-downs that could send any tough guy on his way.

For Gerald, the problem was that he was obliged to spend the occasional night away on business and worried that Sandra might be unable to cope in the event of a drunken customer getting out of hand.

The difficulty was that the policy of this particular brewery encouraged ladies if they were available to calm unruly customers working on the principle that men were less likely to assault a woman even when they were inebriated. Like Gerald whilst I could see the logic in this argument I certainly wouldn’t have been happy sending a lady out to confront disruptive men. I guess we were both just a bit old fashioned.

Having discussed the legal ramifications of the course of action we were about to undertake and after Gerald had informed his solicitor and received a positive reply we went ahead.

Enter Mutley

Mutley was the couple’s German Shepherd, most definitely a pet who had received his basic training under my tutelage, and if I say so myself was extremely well behaved. Gerald had wondered if Mutley could be trained to protect Sandra if necessary from a difficult customer on the nights that he was away.

This was never going to be a problem as Mutley had already proved his ability to accept basic training but in this instance, it entailed many visits to the pub as I decided that as this was for a specific purpose in a specific place and once we were past the early stages it was best to continue “in situ”

The idea was that if a difficulty arose Mutley would be allowed to enter the bar via a small door that accessed the area behind the pumps, place his paws on the bar top and that should be a sufficient deterrent for most rowdy customers. If that proved to be insufficient for the purpose then Mutley would attack if Sandra was physically threatened.

As expected Mutley proved an adept pupil and before long we would have training sessions in the bar before opening time much to the consternation of the cleaner who arrived one morning to the unexpected sight of Mutley trying to remove my arm from its socket.

By the time Gerald’s next business trip was imminent Mutley was trained and Sandra had received instruction on how to control Mutley.

Despite Sandra being agreeable to having Mutley trained to protect her I was always slightly unsure that she was entirely happy with the process.

As the pub regulars included the cleaning lady all knew that Mutley was being trained to protect Sandra and I suspect that whilst they wished her no harm in any way and would have come to her aid if she needed it they were almost hoping to see Mutley in action.

I had been informed by Gerald that he had every confidence that in the case of serious trouble the pub regulars would deal with it if necessary and let’s be honest his customers were a pretty tough bunch in their own right.
So with Sandra being protected by Mutley, her very own guard dog, and with the customers ready to assist in dealing with any unpleasantness, Gerald went off happy that everything was in place.

The legend of Sandra

What followed, however, became known as the “Legend of Sandra” and was recounted gleefully many times by the regulars much to the embarrassment of Gerald.

On the evening in question, everything was normal until a visitor, having had one too many was advised by Sandra that it was time to go home and was declined another drink.

The individual was by now becoming abusive and Mutley was let in via the small door behind the bar, he placed his feet on the top and stared at the recalcitrant drinker. This, unfortunately, enraged the fellow who let loose with a volley of expletive-ridden language and finally indicated he was well able to kill Mutley.

Now there are many things he could have said without getting a reaction from Sandra but threatening to kill Mutley was just about the most dangerous thing he could have said because you see Mutley was still Sandra’s  “baby”. He might be a full-grown German Shepherd Dog capable of bringing a man down but to Sandra, he was still the puppy dog that she had reared and as any mum knows threatening her offspring can bring instant retribution.

With the regulars now ready to intervene and forcibly eject the drinker that was disturbing their evening’s peace and quiet their intervention was thwarted by Sandra

She lifted the flap that allowed entry to the bar, yelled at Kelly to “STAY,” removed her shoe and stamped very lopsidedly towards the idiot that threatened her “baby.” She stared up at the guy’s 6-foot 4-inch frame and roared.

“YOU TOUCH MY DOG AND I’LL  F…..G KILL YOU, GET OUT. NOW!! WHAT’S MORE YOU ARE F…..G BARRED.”

The unwanted customer departed, shamefaced, without so much as another word.

Spontaneous applause broke out as Sandra went crimson with embarrassment as she was a stickler for good manners and very intolerant of bad language.

I could just imagine the story’s that abounded in the local community as the customers took great delight in recounting the tale of how Sandra confronted the drunken customer and in doing so protected her guard dog. In fact, I spoke to one who was there that night. An elderly patron informed me in his broad Cornish accent.

“Funniest thing I seen in years, young Sandra sending that Grockle on ‘is way, would have paid money to see it. Mind, would have paid double to see that bloody big dog sort ‘im

Some days later I dropped in for a pint,  was invited into their private quarters and was brought up to date by Gerald. The poor man was deeply puzzled.

“I can’t work it out. Have you ever heard of anything like this happening?” He asked.

With his head in his hands, he groaned.

“What was she thinking, we spent hundreds of pounds getting Mutley trained to protect Sandra and what happens, the first time I need him to look after Sandra she protects Mutley.”

“Gerald” I replied, “if you ever find out how a lady’s mind works you can write the book, make millions and solve a mystery that has baffled mankind since the days of Eve!!”