Teabag

There are always going to be awkward moments when dealing with animals and children and some of these will be associated with bodily functions or sexual activity. The scope for discomfort and embarrassment is endless and as I look back I am reminded of two children in particular.

The first was in a situation that didn’t actually involve animals but raised the rather strange attitude many of us have to the natural workings of the body. What we find we can handle when it comes to animals we can’t deal with in humans and vice versa. Even amongst professionals, it can be noted there is a reluctance to deal with toilet issues with the species other than that they are used to working with.

Now I will be the first to confess to a marked aversion to dealing with humans when this subject is involved.

“Plumps… please.”

As a young man, I was asked to babysit a neighbour’s baby daughter, a sweet child who was just beginning to talk. Not enough, though, as I was about to discover. Her name was Sally and all started well. She happily tottered around the room, amusing herself with her toys while I watched television. After around half an hour Sally waddled up to me and said two words. “Plumps….. please.”

Now, this young lady was properly raised and all requests were accompanied with the required please. For me, this made it necessary to ensure that all my efforts were channelled into finding a satisfactory solution.

Even today I have very little experience in translating “child talk”, dogs are no problem, but small children are a constant source of puzzlement.

What on earth was a plump? Was this a food item, a drink or did she want to go somewhere? Had I misheard? I mentally ticked off any item that I could associate with a young child without success. What sounded like a plump Sally just stared, as much as to say. I have asked politely, Why are you looking so dumb?

Well, it took several moments but finally, I got it.  It was the “what sounds like” that brought me to the correct conclusion. Plump sounds like…….yes you’ve got it probably a lot quicker than me.

Ok you lot, I know, bit slow on the uptake but at the time I was only a teenager.

Sally needed to go to the toilet. I inwardly congratulated myself on my ingenuity. This was decidedly outside my comfort zone but I manfully stepped up to the circumstance and asked.

“Do you need a potty or do you use the big toilet?”

“Done it.” she said, offering me an angelic smile.

I inhaled sharply. She was right. She had.

I was and still am very proud of myself for rising to the challenge. By the time her mum returned I had cleaned Sally up and normality had returned.

Other natural functions

Over my career, I have had to clear up every kind of evacuated material from many types of animals. Particularly when working as a veterinary nurse in a busy practice, operations, post mortems, injured animals all left debris behind. It was a natural part of the job and not that repugnant.

But from that first emergency with Sally to the present day I have always found it difficult to clean up after humans without feeling my stomach turn.

Similarly, I have always been puzzled why some people get squeamish about clearing up after animals and talking about what I see as normal functions in their dogs.

And before you say it, yes, it’s hypocritical.

On the subject of natural functions, I have written on this subject before so it will come as no surprise to regular readers.

Mr and Mrs Angove came with their English Setter called Teabag plus Peter their grandson. Peter was a studious looking child and appeared to take no notice of the discussions that took place and was far more interested in the equipment and toys that were available to purchase if required by my clients.

On this particular occasion, the Angoves decided to reveal a rather special concern that they had regarding their dog’s behaviour.

Mrs Angove started.

“It’s like this Mr ‘odson he is very interested in…..girl dogs and when he gets to them, well he…… you know…….’  Her voice trailed off Mr Angove took up the narrative. You see ‘e’s not the same with boy dogs. ‘e ignores them, but when ‘e meets a girl dog well it’s embarrassing because he um…… well he is getting very excited and um…… well not to put too fine a point on it, ‘is manners are unacceptable if you follow my drift ‘ere.

Without warning, at this point, young Master Peter offered his assessment of the situation.

“I know what you mean, I’ve seen Teabag pumping up the other dogs!”

“Pumping them up!”  He said it with such an air of triumph.  A masterstroke.

The Angoves turned bright red with embarrassment much to my amusement as I struggled to suppress the inclination to laugh out loud. What’s the expression? “Out of the mouths of babes……”

Needless to say, the next port of call for Teabag was the veterinary surgeon and hopefully, his amorous adventures were over although I’d like to think he still had a penchant for “pumping up” the occasional casual acquaintance.

All these years later it still brings a smile to my face

Just in case you are wondering, no I never did find out why an English Setter was given the name Teabag.